“You can’t do it.”
“Half the people will laugh at you; the other half will be disgusted at your incompetence.”
These voices -and many others just like them – shoot through my thoughts time and again. Every time I hear them, the knot in my stomach gives a lurch and pulls tighter.
I am working on a large project that affects many people throughout my small community. I have spear-headed this project before and it was quite successful. So why do those feelings return?
What exactly am I feeling?
Shame? Self-doubt? Fear? Timidity? Yes, I think so.
Shame = a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior (either real or perceived)
Self-doubt = lack of confidence in oneself and one’s abilities.
Fear = of disgrace, embarrassment, degradation, being demeaned.
Timidity = a lack of courage or confidence, fearful, apprehensive, frightened, scared, faint-hearted.
I push the thoughts back into the recess of my mind. Don’t let them out! The knot in my stomach grows again.
Where do these thoughts come from?
My mother was very much this way. So, did it come to me by way of DNA? Or maybe learned behavior? My father often seemed to take delight in pointing out, quite loudly, where I had failed. Our self-image formed in childhood is quite powerful – for good or for bad.
Yet – I am an adult now. I have not lived with my parents for over 30 years. Certainly, I cannot blame them any longer for my thought patterns that I have this week.
Insight for Living has a devotional video that I have watched several times that is titled Our Weaknesses.
With a big, hearty smile, Chuck Swindoll talks about how great it is when we admit our weaknesses.
Really? What a relief it would be!
Instead of pushing back those thoughts, it is now time for me to bring them into the light. Stare them in the face. Examine them carefully. Talk about them.
Yes, it is true. I am not perfect. Never have been, never will be.
I will do my best. I will ask for help.
I will take everything to God in prayer! I will let the Holy Spirit flow through me!
Now! Time to get back to work on this project. It will be great!